If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
