So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
