As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
