so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
