i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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