I cannot find my penis.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
