A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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