Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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