I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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