just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
