and she was petting her beer can
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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