Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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