I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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