my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
