Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
