hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
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i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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