Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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