Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
