How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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