So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
