alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just gargled with NyQuil
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