he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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