So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
