Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
