That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's a Shit stain on my heart
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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