If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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