oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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