When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
