Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
