this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
