wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The air was thick with penises
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
