mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
