I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
