Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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