Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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