hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
