My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
