Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
