I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
