Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
