im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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