Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
