Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
