hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
