I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
