Someone shit on the floor
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me