I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS