Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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