a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
