i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
