then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
