God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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