My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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