did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
