she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
