If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
